- 1998 Screamin' Jay Hawkins
-
- Evening!
- Hello
- Welcome to the show
- I want you to sit down and stick around
- Listen to the sound that I'm about to put down
- I'm gonna lay something on you tonight to got to be right
- So sit tight, don't bite cause I'm doing AEEverything right tonight
- Meanwhile let's talk about people
- Man! Man, you in the green dress
- Would, would you turn around and close your legs, you're disturbin' me
- Or put a mussel on that beast there that is hangin' out under your dress
- My name is Sweet Daddy Hawk
- And I've come here to talk
- I wanna tell you bout all the good things in this world everybody wants to get a part of
- There are people, people here tonight who not only want to get involved with somebody
- There are men and women that not get their proper share of love
- There's somebody in here tonight who needs to be saved
- Because you're doin' somethin' wrong
- Let me put it to you in a language you might understand
- We're talkin' about love, the subject right now is love
- If you can't do nothing with it when you get it - quit it!
- And let somebody else get it who know what to do with it
- And that's the kind of love we're talkin' about
- You see a girl you want? Don't tell her! Don't beat around the bush
- Get in the bush and beat like hell. Enjoy yourself!
- Candy is dandy but sex will not rot your teeth
- If you can't beat 'em - eat 'em!
- That's the name of the game
- I'm talkin' about the [...] on recreation
- Coupled with manual dexterity
- and a hell of a lot of a carniviorous activity
- Get right on down into it, baby
- I want you to have what have is known as a [...]
- Put it around your neck
- Get down on your knees and [...] appetite
- Enjoy the meal
- When it's walkin' and talkin'
- It's all good for you
- And you girls, I don't care how big a man is
- No matter how big it is - it will fit!
- The only part of Popeye that don't get rusty
- Is the part he keeps in olive oil
- There was an old lady who lived in a juke
- Had so many children [...] fell thru
- Consider another animation guy: Superman!
- Only Superman can come runnin'!
- Yeah, you hear the blues?
- We got what is known as the Memphis Sound
- The blues is bein' put down
- It's the kind of music you can talk trash
- In the heat of the meat, in the mass of the ass
- The shade of the [...] beats the hard boilin' sun
-
- We're talkin' about Rudolph Valentino
- Here's a man with a five pound thong who can breathe thru his ears
- He got a wart on his index finger
- Aaah, there's nothing wrong with that
- Do you realize Batman was havin' a hell of a constitution?
- Cause there's no zipper on his tights
- In the days of old and the nights of bold
- And the cavemen lived indigious
- They dropped their load on the side of the road
- They were son of a bitches
- We gotta tell it like it is
- Like the wolf... the wolf said: "Little Red Ridin' Hood,
- Little Red Ridin' Hood, I'm gonna rape you!"
- She said: "No, you ain't, daddy
- You gotta stick to the book, you gotta eat me!"
- Tell it like it is
- Poetry! I love poetry
- I stopped by the mental institution this morning
- And there was this old crazy man standin' there
- And he said: "Come here!"
- I said: "Whatchu want?"
- He said: "Put your ear against that wall and listen!"
- And I listen... and I say: "I don't hear nuthin'."
- He said: "It been like that aaaaaall day long..."
- And downstairs in this office, there was some crazy man in the psychiatrist's office
- Talkin' bout WHOA, WHOO! PFFRRT
- WHOA my goodness! ...
- Butterflies, butterflies flyin' all over me
- And the doctor says, well PFFRRT...PFFRRT PFFRRT........... shit!
- Don't blow on me
- You never know, if you see people actin' normal nowadays they probably just ain't well
- There are people dyin' today who ain't never died before
- There was two men smokin' them funny cigarettes with no name on it
- And all of a sudden they heard the police siren
- So the guy looked around, he sez: "I gotta find a place to hide the stuff"
- He sez:"Put it up there with the cuckoo clock!"
- The police come in, they checked the place out
- They didn't find nuthin', so they left
- And the guy says: "Get the stuff out the cuckoo clock, man"
- He said: "Man, we gotta wait until the cuckoo come out...
- He'll be out about ten minutes..."
- They waited ten, fifteen, twenty, half an hour, forty-five minutes, an hour
- And by the time an hour and a half was up the door opened and here come the cuckoo
- Cuckoo come out with sunshades on, walkin' around real cool
- He looked at the two men, he said: "What time is it, babe?"
- Yeeah, life is like that, you have to understand
- Clark Gable
- And Betty Grable
- Went to the stable
- He pulled out his cable
- He stuck it in her navel
- And they had Mabel
- And that's movie life
- That's Hollywood
- Well, let's bring it into the city
- Let's go down South
- Let's stop first in Memphis
- Memphis, Tennessee
- Be careful, strange things are goin' on in the world today
- This is Screamin' Jay comin' your way talkin' to you today about everything that goes on anyway
- Mornin' noon, night and day
- They call me Filthy McNasty Mister Sweet Daddy Hawk
- But I have been tryin' layin' things on you that is a little bit different
- I don't want you to think that you know it all because I don't
- But there are things you should understand
- That happen to women that don't happen to man:
- S. E. X. - Sex!
- Now there's a topic
- There is a conversation, there's a negotiation
- that the whole wide world would like to know about
- For example: A kiss is uptown shopping for downtown business
- We're talkin' about sex
- And it's pure, raw, unadulterated existence
- And man, man knows not what happen to him
- Jack and Jill went up the hill
- To get a "pearl" [...] of water
- And you know that's a damn lie because water don't run uphill
- Sure the cow jumped over the moon
- You're the [...] tune - that man's hands was cold
- Aowh, tell it like it is
- Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
- Humpty Dumpty had a big phall
- All the king's horses and all the king's men...
- Shit! I like it
- You realize when you listen the blues
- If your rent's not paid
- You ain't have nothing to eat
- You don't even know where you're goin' to sleep in the next night
- You got the blues
- A better blues, a better way to explain the blues
- When a man loose his woman
- Or a wife loose her husband - to another man
- I saw two old women, one was 195 and the other was 296
- And they're walkin' down Beale Street in Memphis
- And one old lady said: "I smell smoke burnin'."
- And the other old lady said: "Maybe we're walkin' too fast."
- Take your time
- There's been a great deal of money in this country on makin' huge weapons
- So they could be the most powerful country in the world
- But a little country came out of South America with one of the world's greatest weapons
- It's called Kojak's
- It keeps the Reds in, the Poles out
- The Greeks busy and the French hungry
- Watch out for Kojaks
- I just wanna tell it like is
- Why do women wear lipstick? Danger - wrong hole!
- Gotta get down to it, we gotta get down to the nitty gritty
- While we're at it, the manager just walked up and gave me a piece of paper
- Mister [...] told me: "This is about an automobile outside
- A lady bout the name of Helen Hunt lost her pocket book and they found it
- So if you want your pocket book back whoever you are
- Go to hell and hunt for it
- Now I wanna tell ya 'bout the books
- I will tell you bout the books we gonna sell here tonight
- So listen [...] in case you hear a book you wanna get
- The first book is called "The Long Brown Trail" by Diarrhoea Joe
- "Cellar Beware" by Don Bendover
- "The Open Commoner" by Seymour Harry
- "The Pertruding [...]" by Love A. Dick
- "The Yellow Stream" by I. P. Daily
- "Buy A Waterfalls" by U. P. Standing
- Here's an adventure novel, "The Wildcat's Revenge" by Claude Balls
- "The Bride's First Night" by Peter B. Kind
- "Blood On The Picknick Ground" by Buster Cherry
- Here's a novel from Russia: "The Sex Man Russian" by Ivan Torshitzov
- "The Rooster's Mistake" by Rolla Duck
- "Rip In The Mattress" by Missed Her Completely
- And we got one more Russian novel
- "The Tale of a Tragedy of the Russian Novel" by "Whoyadunn" Catcha Gagoff
- Thank you
- Now we got, we got some nice salt sea seafood
- We wanna tell you about laughtertale, smothered [...] hips and baboon rectums
- There's nothing, nothing in the world
- If you can't move your hips
- Give up your lips
- If you can't stand on your knees
- Lay down and plea
- Tell it like it is
- How deep, how deep can we go?
- Okay, there's no end to how deep we can go
- Fellows, gimme a little soft music now
- I gotta talk about a good friend of mine
- Way back in the beginning of time we had a man in this country
- His name was Franck Buck - bring him back alive
- You remember Frank Buck days? bring him back alive
- He's goin' to the jungle, catch the wildest beast and bring 'em back alive
- Frank Buck went into the jungle
- They found a beast, three times bigger than King Kong
- And it was a gorilla
- They brought her back
- They found out the poor girl was in heat
- She wanted somebody to make love to her
- So they brought in Frank Buck, this great hunter
- Can you satisfy this woman?
- Frank Buck said: "Wait a minute
- Tie her right hand down, tie her left hand down
- Tie her right leg down, tie her left leg down
- And put a pillow over that woman's face, I don't wanna look at it
- Put a guy there at the door with a shotgun
- If there's someting goin' wrong
- I want you to kill this chick!"
- Then he had a long drink of Jack Daniels
- Had two glasses of Champagne
- Took off his clothes, walked into the cage
- And stood there prepared to ram bang this poor gorilla
- He fell upon this gorilla with a sudden crush like a volcano he rocked in
- He was doin' all right for about three or four minutes there
- All of a sudden an earthquake struck
- And he had to move quite fast to the right
- And the gorilla broke one leg a-loose
- And wrapped it around Frank Buck
- He raised up in the air and fell down with a sudden trash - PHEW!
- The gorilla snatched one arm loose
- And wrapped it around Frank Buck's head
- He raised back and moved to the left and came in with a sudden [...]
- And the gorilla broke that remaining leg and that remaining arm loose
- Put Franck Buck in a [...] grip and he started howlin' "Help! Help!"
- But they were wailin', man, they were rockin'
- He was gettin' a cookie
- And the guy with the shotgun walked in, he says
- Move your head over to the right and I blow its head off
- He said: "Don't kill her, fool, pull the mask off this chick
- I want to kiss her one time - cause it's good!"
- We gotta go, it's almost the end of the show
- So I'm gonna say to you: "Goodnight!"
- Thank you very much
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